Spiritual Sex Practice: Make your Ego Bigger!

Ever wonder why the archetype of the BDSM Mistress or Master is so damn arrogant and selfish? Ever wonder why so many of us are so turned on by confidence and power that borders on obscene, but in real-life we hate it when people think too much of themselves? We truly don't want to be treated like rubbish by actually arrogant people!

The inner conflict is huge! We are turned on by that selfish bad boy, or that gorgeous femme who thinks she's above us mere mortals, but when we date them, we find ourselves thrilled in bed but hating the way they treat us the rest of the time!

Or worse still, we are unfilled in bed because we only have half of what we really need. 

In my former role as a professional dominatrix, I was acutely aware that my role was to become someone's ego for them so they could let go of theirs. It was a ritual experience of taking on certain attributes so we could follow the map of our kinky fantasies to the feelings we yearned to feel. 

The deVinery Method makes sense of this process in a way that I have not heard anywhere else. 

That is because, until now, no one was breaking down our sexual fantasies and patterns of turn-ons through the lens of ego dissolution stories that are designed to help change states of consciousness. 
 

My theory is that sexual fantasies are the exact story our egos need to hear in order to let go, so we can access profound erotic expanded states of consciousness. 

It's a game changer we realise that we can date a genuinely caring person and get our power-play needs met in consensual date night experiences. We can have all the sexual heat and the safety of respect and love too! 

How does it work?

All good sex, or BDSM, requires us to let our egos go, at least long enough for us to have an orgasm, but preferably much longer. This is what sex has in common with many spiritual practices, like ritual and meditation, around the world. It is a way for us to shift our consciousness from ordinary everyday thinking and melt into pleasure and intimacy with something bigger than ourselves. 

Of course our egos always resist this process, so our desire has to find a way to overcome that resistance for us. It does this by whispering sexy stories into our ego's ear that help resolve ego's fears. That is what a sexual fantasy is at heart. They are love letters to our egos, seducing them into temporarily dissolving. 

There are two main strategies that desire uses to help us lose ourselves in the moment and connect with something bigger than ourselves. 

The first is to make your ego so very small.

You have sexual fantasies of looking up to a lover who is so much bigger, stronger, and better than you. They can magically read your mind and take care of your every need so you no longer need to protect yourself (ego) and can let go into pure, ungarded experiencing. 

They are magnificent and god-like in their beauty! They can competently handle all sorts of dangerous situations with ease, making you quiver! You imagine that they are strong enough to keep your vulnerability safe.

They demand you serve them, or dote on you like a loving parent, but either way you are convinced they have shouldered all the responsibility so you no longer have to have any responsibility. Not even the responsibility of keeping yourself safe, because they will do it for you. They have taken on the role of your protector and tormentor. The role your ego normally takes. Now you don't need an ego. 

Woooshhhh! Into subspace bliss you go! Completely open! Peace, bliss, awe and wonder! 

The second is to make your ego as big as the sun!

Puff that thing up until you are invincible! You are god-like!

The whole foot ball team wants to have sex with you! That slave is willing to crawl across glass to be allowed to kiss your feet! That reserved librarian loses total control and goes primal with desire for you. They are willing to empty their bank account just to be allowed near you for a few moments. They'll suffer and beg for you.

Or perhaps look up to you with trusting bambi eyes, letting all their vulnerability show, making you feel so big and strong. 

This has a curious effect. Suddenly you have no feelings of threat anymore. Your ego feels completely safe. There is no self doubt. You know you are worthy. 

Puffing your ego up exaggeratedly creates the conditions for an ego dissolution experience. 

And the best bit? When we are aware of this, and deliberately play with these stories in our embodied play experiences, our ego becomes healthier. 

That's right, role-playing the arrogant centre of the universe, or a worthless sex slave, can make your ego more resilient. As it becomes more resilient, it becomes easier and easier to let your ego go, and access ego-dissolution experiences. 

Which strategy do your favourite sexual fantasies use?

Want to be able to create date nights with your lover/s that just keep going deeper and deeper into the wealth your erotic psyche offers? Or perhaps you want to be able to guide your sex work, therapy or workshop participants into these kinds of experiences? 

I have one spot available now for a traineeship. Another one coming up in November. Apply now!

You can hear what previous trainees say about learning The deVinery Method here. 

Warmly, 

Artemisia de Vine