What Tantra, Somatic and Conscious Sex Gets Wrong!

"Sexual Fantasies keep you stuck in the head, and I am all about being present in the moment and fully embodied!" she said to me with no small hint of superiority. 

It took all I had not to roll my eyes at the woman before me parroting word for word what she had been taught without any original thoughts at all.

I thought to myself, "Here's another case of good-girl-itis trying to find safety and permission to access her erotic essence in all the wrong ways."  

After a flash of irritation, I remembered my compassion. After all, even though her beliefs do indeed contribute to the creation of entire systems of sexual repression/oppression, it is not her fault she hasn't found her own way out of the confusing quagmire of sexual negativity yet. 

I mean, I've been there where she is. That is past me in some ways. It is probably best that I remember my compassion. 

(Do you want your friends to shift their mindset about sex? Share this blog and get the conversation started!) 

You see, so many women have spent their entire lives in an impossible double bind. They have been taught to be a "good girl" to be loved and accepted by their tribe members and potential lovers. The social role that has been forced on them in order to ensure their survival in the community is at odds with their sexual natures. 

They've been forced to choose between social acceptance (so-called madonna) or being true to their inner erotic wisdom (so-called whore). Many choose to cut off their desires and become objects of other people's desires to stay safe.

I mean, for much of human history, this wasn't even really a choice. It was do it or die. Literally.

If you think that is no longer the case, well, yes and no. I can tell you, as a former sex worker and professional dominatrix, the social consequences of being a "bad girl" are still very much alive and kicking. Devastatingly so.  

When women take the role of being desired, but not having desires of their own, they experience an awful lot of unsafe experiences from the people who desire them. This creates a feedback loop of confirmation bias, reinforcing the belief that sexuality is something to be feared. Desire is something to be mistrusted. Sexual fantasies are a reflection of this unsafe force, and something "base" and "unevolved". Something dangerous. 

So, in their struggle to find a way to reconcile their own inner desires and their need to belong and be safe, they encounter tantra and/or somatic sexuality. 

At first, it seems to be the saviour they've been looking for! Here is a way to remain the "good girl" and also be a sexual being! Here is a way to hold all those unwanted dangerous desires of other people at bay. Here is a way to allow herself to feel her own sexual impulses. 

Psychologically, they get to keep their identity as a “good girl”, a spiritual woman, a conscious and aware being, and an acceptable member of the community, while also accessing sexual pleasure. 

And at first, it works astonishingly well! They start accessing blissful erotic states of consciousness they've never had access to before. They encounter intimacy, pleasure and spiritual awakening! It feels sacred and healing! Not like that "base" and dangerous sexuality from those unconscious smutty people with bad boundaries. 

The truth is tantra and somatic or "conscious sexuality" does indeed hold an important piece of the puzzle. It really is a powerful thing to learn how to be in relationship with our own bodies through somatic awareness. It really does improve sexual satisfaction and intimacy when we learn to be fully present in the moment. It really can lead to profound expanded erotic states of consciousness that access the spiritual. 

But here’s the kicker.

This is only halfway to becoming sexually whole and reclaiming the full power of your eros.

Those who parrot the "sexual fantasies keep you stuck in the head" nonsense, only create permission to access their emotional, physical and spiritual aspects of sexuality but have cut off the mental part - which creates a damaging and distorting schism.

The erotic part of the mind is seen as something that keeps you from being fully present and connected to your body wisdom.

The mind is left flapping in the wind!

Outcast.

Relegated to the shadows.

When our desire/erotic psyche is treated like this, it is far more likely to act out rebelliously the moment the reigns of self-righteous, self-control aren’t fully held tight.

And at the same time, it can be hard to feel your desire when you don’t trust it. Your desire can go behind a rock and sulk, refusing to come out.

This means a part of us is still unintegrated.

What is more, when we reject this part of ourselves, we also reject it in others. And they feel that rejecting judgement even as we gaze lovingly into their eyes, begging them for the sexual intimacy we crave.

Oh boy do they ever feel that rejection!

You cannot bring the whole of yourself to your sexual encounter if you reject a big part of yourself!

And if you reject your own sexual fantasies, a part of you will always be rejecting a part of your sexual partners too.

This makes it unsafe for them to show you the whole of who they really are. 

If you want to be whole, you must form a relationship with the whole of yourself. That’s the only way for real intimacy. If you want mind-blowing sex, you need to understand the role the mind plays in sex!

Sexual fantasies hold the key to unlocking this level of yourself.

When you form a relationship with your own erotic mind, you access profound wisdom. It is absolutely possible to be fully embodied and present AND harness the power of your sexual fantasies. It is absolutely possible to bring heart, body, soul AND mind to your sexual encounters.

In fact, you are not accessing the fullness of your erotic being if you don’t.

Want to learn how?

The deVinery Method

Is an in-depth personalised coaching program that is tailored to your specific needs. It is a traineeship in how to embody the erotic psyche and become masterful in The Erotic Arts. It is a transformative journey of profound sexual self-discovery.

The three pillars of The deVinery Method are:

The Desire Compass: Helps you form a whole new, embodied and present relationship with your own desire.

Map of your Sexual Fantasies: Understand the genius transformative narratives in your sexual fantasies (and repeating patterns of turn-ons).

The Journey of Play: Gives you the skills to bring the essence of your sexual fantasies out of your heads and into your beds in fully present and embodied sexual play dates.

Want to know more? Book a discovery call, and let's explore the best way forward for you! 

Tell your friends by sharing this blog and help change this damaging mindset! It’s time we claim back our whole sexuality.

Artemisia de Vine