And how you can make sure that you aren't one of the well-meaning, intelligent, in-love couples headed in the same direction!

Jay was really turned on by public sex. There was something super exciting to him about being witnessed in his most primal expression. It met a need he was unconscious of, and honestly, he had not found another way to feel the same level of excitement.

While he lived out his public sex in consensual ways at sex parties, he liked to fantasise that those who saw him having sex were both shocked and curious. Unable to look away even as they felt a bit uncomfortable, they found themselves thrilled at someone willing to lose all their dignity and be so “filthy” in public. He liked to imagine them getting excited despite themselves. This would egg him on to get wilder and wilder.

You might not think so on the surface, but actually this was a doorway to intimacy for Jay. He felt connected to his partner in that moment because it felt like they were in on a joyous secret together. They were free to fully be themselves while their onlookers were still caught in inner conflict, imprisoned by social conventions.

He recalled, “I remember looking into Peggy’s twinkling eyes and feeling so connected to her. As the crowd was murmuring, trying to work out what to make of us, Peggy just started riding me harder. Her hair was messy, her make-up smeared and wild, and her breasts were bouncing all over the place. She let out an incredible uninhibited stream of moans and animal noises. It was like only we two knew what it was like to be free. I felt like we were gods! This woman really got me and was right there in it with me! I could be my real self with her.”

The thing is Peggy and Jay weren’t compatible for a relationship. They were only compatible in bed and their lovership was brief. Jay was soon all alone again.

He had tried dating partners that were not open to public sex and he felt as though he had to suppress a big part of himself. Oh, he would fall in love and get swept into the honeymoon period of new relationship energy when all he needed was his new sweetie, but when that faded, he felt the call for public sex again. He felt as though he was caught in a double bind - dammed if he did and damned if he didn’t. He thought his only options were to cajole his sexual partners into having the kind of sex he preferred or cut off a rich and fulfilling part of himself. A part that was essential to his enjoyment of life and a source of intimacy for him.

So he made a decision. He simply wouldn’t date anyone who wasn’t also into public sex. He prioritised sexual compatibility over any other relationship factors and vito’ed any partner who didn’t want to have sex his preferred way, not because he was selfish, but because he was deeply empathetic and caring and never wanted to cajole anyone into something they didn’t want to do. He wanted them to want it naturally.

Mary fell in love with him. After all, Jay was smart, kind and beautiful.

Early in their dating life, Jay told her that sexual compatibility was essential to him. He said outright that he refused to have a sexless marriage or be with anyone who inhibited his sexual expression. Sex was how he expressed his love. He didn’t want to force anyone to have public sex. He wanted a partner who was really into it or it wouldn’t work for him. So he would only ever commit to someone who also got off on having wild public sex.

This put Mary in a double bind. She had to choose between her own unique pattern of sexual turn ons, or Jay. She had to choose between her own desire or his desire. There was no room for both.

She chose his. She didn’t lie exactly. She told herself that it really was exciting to have public sex - and truth be known it was fun and liberating. Indeed, she experienced genuine orgasms, and she felt fantastic to be able to provide such joy for Jay. It made her feel special.

Truth be known, Mary had been socialised to think, that was all there was to sex. She thought that a woman’s role was to be desired and it never occurred to her to investigate her own desires more deeply.

However, Mary’s natural erotic patterning was different to Jay’s. Like love languages, each of us has a different way of accessing our erotic pleasure and creating the right level of risk and safety to allow erotic intimacy and arousal.

You see, our sexual fantasies and patterns of turn ons are designed to overcome our ego’s fear of vulnerability and each of us have different egos so we need different solutions.

Mary’s preference for sex also leaned towards feeling like they were in a secret club together where they were wild and free, but she preferred privacy to public. You see the psychology of her turn-ons overcame the natural paradoxes of sex in different ways than Jay.

Mary was turned on by the secrecy of sex. The naughty delight of knowing that people were outside enjoying the BBQ while they had a quicky in the pantry excited her.

Equally delicious to her was the prospect of getaways to beautiful bed and breakfasts where the whole world disappeared and it felt as though it was only her and Jay. Where they didn’t need anyone else.

In her fantasies, her ideal partner would only want her and no one else. She would be the special, chosen one. He would be naturally sexually satisfied by long sensual love-making sessions where they sunk into their senses with food, wine, beautiful scenery, music and bare skin.

But when she hinted at this, Jay didn’t seem to show much interest. You see, Jay didn’t realise how important these indirect hints were, and Mary didn’t want to ask directly in case it made him feel obligated. She feared it he would start doing it out of duty for her. She wanted him to want to do it, or she couldn’t let go and enjoy herself.

“It has to be real or I can’t get into it. I need him to be turned on by lovemaking too. He has to want it or it would just be a role play and fake.”

When Mary said something like, “Do you want to go to this cute little bed and breakfast with me.” Jay would answer in a neutral and distracted sort of way. He took the question literally. He thought she was really asking him his preference. He didn’t realise she was telling him her preference.

When Mary touched Jay sensually all over, just like the way she wished he would touch her, Jay enjoyed it immensely but did not find it a strong turn-on. It never occurred to him that she was showing him what she liked, so he just redirected her with dirty talk about the kinds of things he would like to do with her.

When Mary said, “Do you want to give each other a nice massage after a long bath together?” He thought she was asking him if that was his idea of a sexy night. He thought Mary was fishing for things he would find hot, so he replied, that he would prefer to go to the sex party that weekend.

Mary felt her own desire was rejected. She wanted him to just naturally want to do it or it wouldn’t feel real to her so she didn’t push it. She doubled down on suppressing her own desires and trying to fulfil herself by following his desires. Having her own desires felt unsafe to her. She might lose everything if she admitted to herself she even had them. 

Jay wasn’t a selfish person at all. In fact, if he understood what was going on, it would be incredibly important to him to make sure he gave to Mary what she desired but, in his mind, Mary was thoroughly sexually satisfied already. After all, he made it clear from the get-go he only wanted to commit to someone who was sexually compatible with him. (Read magically had the same turn-ons as he did - which never happens).

After years of following Jay’s unique erotic wiring without also speaking up and asking for what she desired, Mary burnt out. What started out as fun now felt like an obligation, and she began to dread it. But if she stopped now, she risked losing Jay and the whole life they had built together, so she faked it until she couldn’t anymore and had a meltdown.

At this point, in the heat of anger, she yelled, “When is it my turn? When are you going to do what I want in bed?”

“Thoroughly shocked, Jay yelled back, “What do you mean? Everything I did for you at those parties was for you!”

“No that was what you wanted, not what I wanted! I was doing it because you wanted it!”

Feeling completely sucker punched, Jay screamed, “You mean our entire lives together has been a lie? You faked it all? How can I ever trust you again?”

It looked like the marriage was headed for the rocks and all because both of them were trying to get their sexual safety from the wrong place.

Countless divorces can be prevented!

 By understanding the inherent paradoxes of sex and studying the surprising wisdom in our sexual fantasies, this situation never needs to happen!

 They both wanted the other to magically have the same turn-ons they did. But you see, that’s not how turn-ons work. Your unique pattern of turn-ons and sexual fantasies are designed to overcome your unique ego resistance to vulnerability.

No one's turn-ons are the same because no one’s ego needs are the same.

That's right, even if your pattern of turn-ons looks very similar to your partner's on the surface, you will both have different meaning-making narratives in the background of the moment and need different antidotes to the inherent paradoxes of sex to access the fullness of your erotic potential. It may be a bit harder to spot, but this can still be the source of divorce in the long run!

Even when Jay was with his earlier lover, Peggy, who also loved public sex, they had different turn-ons. Jay had not realised that at the time because Peggy’s seemed so similar to his on the surface, but I can guarantee that they had different stories running in the background of the moment, and different reasons their ego felt safe to let go during public sex. If they had stayed together, they too would have found they had different needs and hit a wall where their libido faded and they would find it hard to put a finger on why.

Truth be known, we all have a little Mary and Jay in us. We all really want our sexual partners to be turned on by the same things we are, and be sexually satisfied by doing the things to us that we prefer.

Think about it, if you are receiving oral sex, do you struggle to let go if you think the other person isn’t into it too? It is hard to let our guards down and just surrender to the pleasure if we think the other person is doing it out of obligation, or even if we are just a little unsure they are having fun.

“This feels good but am I taking up too much time? Should I hurry up and be done so I can give back now?”

“Do they really like this or are they getting tired?”

“Do I smell alright?”

There are all these little things that hold us back from letting go unless we are sure the other person is equally as vulnerable as we are in that moment - and most of us unconsciously equate that with them being “into it”. I mean if they are “into it”, they have let go of their inhibitions so it is safe for us to as well.

So we put ourselves in an impossible paradox. Everyone has different patterns of turn-ons, but everyone wants their lover’s turn-ons to be the same as theirs.

This is one of the big paradoxes that sexual fantasies resolve for us.

In sexual fantasies, our lovers just magically want what we want them to want. They play whatever role convinces us that they really want to be there doing this with us. In real life we each have our own needs but we can learn A LOT from the surprising wisdom in our sexual fantasies about how to resolve this catch 22.

The “I want you to want it my way, or it isn’t real” paradox can be solved!

The deVinery Method

Divorce is brutal, taking a huge psychological, social and emotional toll, and can take years of your life to go through. Not to mention it is incredibly expensive!

Yet so many divorces actually boil down to this paradox. So many could be prevented!

If you recognised yourself in Jay and Mary’s story and have decided you never want to go through that again - and want to set up your sex life the right way from the beginning, then this is for you.

If you are a sexuality practitioner and recognise the huge potential in the market of people who need this kind of help, and would like to upskill your offerings, then this is also for you.

How does The deVinery Method solve the paradox?

What The deVinery Method does is take a closer look at our sexual fantasies, past peak experiences and patterns of turn-ons. We work out how they are creating the right psychological mechanisms to help each person let go and lose themselves in the pleasure and intimacy of sex. In other words, we discover each person’s unique sexual narrative. We then learn how to create real-life play that has the same effect (hint: this does not necessarily require role play or enacting your fantasies as they are in your mind’s eye).

In the process of learning about our unique sexual patterning, we also shift our source of safety from needing the other person to have the same erotic narrative as us. We find a new source of safety that allows each us to be truly who we are!  There is nothing more intimate and exciting as being able to share the erotic truth of ourselves with another!

I then walk you through practical tools needed to create ongoing date nights that never get stuck in a rut but naturally unfold into mutual erotic self-discovery that just keeps going and going long after the honeymoon period has worn off. Sex really can be better 40 years into a marriage than the first sweet 6 months of hormone-driven passion!

The benefits don’t stop there!

The deVinery Method helps you embody a deep trust in the wisdom of your own erotic desire because once you realise how genius your sexual fantasies are, you can follow the map inside them to where they are truly trying to take you. Back home to wholeness!

They help you merge with the whole of yourself, merge with your lover and, when you know how, with something much bigger than ourselves! It feels like merging with Life itself, often referred to in spiritual circles as Oneness experiences.  

Once you can truly follow your own desire compass, and the map your unique sexual narrative as revealed by your sexual fantasies, you gain access to a whole array of profound erotic states of consciousness. You can learn how to create varying degrees of ego dissolution experiences for each other and drop so much deeper into sex!

In other words, date nights become embodied play that brings the workings of your inner psyche out to share with each other. You know each other’s hot buttons and can create endless ways to enact them, and at the same time, it can become a spiritual journey together should you so choose!

Setting things up right in the first place prevents a world of pain later on, but even if you have been together for a while and would like to work together to unpick the paradoxes of sex and implement The deVinery Method, it is not too late. It takes a bit more effort and it takes BOTH of you being willing to implement the tools I give you, but it absolutely can be done.

How much does it cost?

Is it cheap? Nope. But it’s a LOT cheaper than a divorce, and you get 6 months of personalised one-to-one coaching and support from the creator of The deVinery Method, Artemisia de Vine, and a lifetime of rich and enthralling sex that just keeps getting better.

In comparison to that, the cost is peanuts really.

USD $7500 for a single person.
USD $10,000 for a couple.
USD $5500 for sexuality professionals who have done Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent, Sexological bodywork training. This discount is temporary so jump on it!

Book a free discovery call.

I am also launching a new offering!

Monthly 2-hour group training on a particular aspect of The deVinery Method. Ensure you are subscribed to the form below to learn more about monthly training and my upcoming book, The Spirituality of Smut: The Surprising Wisdom of Sexual Fantasies.

Want to talk to me and see if this is a good fit for you?

Book a free discovery call.

Warmly,

Artemisia de Vine