What are Sexual Fantasies and does everyone have them?

The things you think about can create an emotional and physical response in you while also shifting your consciousness from everyday mode, into desire and/or sexual arousal. 

Sexual fantasies are valuable stories, tailor-made by your subconscious just for you, and are jam-packed with the exact psychological conditions you need to surrender into the vulnerability of pleasure and/or connection. 

It is the nature of stories to represent these psychological conditions in symbolic form, and they are not always immediately recognizable.

“I don’t have sexual fantasies, “ said yoga instructor Ruth almost defiantly. “I’m fully present in the moment with my partner.” 

Sexual fantasies are common, and most people have them in some form or another. Yes even people who think they don’t have them. Just as some people are more aware of their dreams than others, so too with sexual fantasies. 

Often, when I encounter someone who says they don’t fantasize, asking them a few questions can prompt them to become aware of them. 

“A moment ago you told me that you noticed some well-chiseled young men on the beach this morning when you were walking your dog and that one, in particular, set off a momentary spark of desire inside you.”

“Yes, it was just his lovely tanned skin and beautiful fit body. I mean the boy had abs!” replied Ruth with a slight blush. “He was a good 10-15 years younger than me and so full of energy! But really he is just objectively attractive. My body was just having a biological response.” 

“Great! I am curious about why you were attracted to one more than the other though. Didn’t you tell me they were both fit, tanned, and virile?” I asked.

“Yes, that’s true. I guess they were both objectively attractive.” 

“Yet only one of them set off the spark. Let’s take a closer look at that micro-moment when the spark ignited. What exactly was happening and what did you get to feel in response to the one guy?” 

She thought for a moment and then said, “I felt quite tingly and alive. I felt envious of his physical strength now that middle age is slowing me down a bit. I remembered how free I used to be when I could run like that. I remembered how good sex was when I was fit and unfettered like them.” 

“Nice one!” I encouraged, then dug deeper. “Let’s try focusing in on the actual moment even more. What physically happened in that few seconds?” 

“I guess the spark of desire ignited when he looked over my way, and for the briefest moment, we made eye contact. He just looked so unashamed of himself. So confident that he did not need to be arrogant or shy. Just the perfect balance of self-assuredness. He saw me and acknowledged me with a slight nod; his eyes were open and unguarded. He seemed really present and embodied.” She said a little dreamily.

“Yes good. Think about it for a moment, what flashed up in your mind at that moment?” 

“Well now that you mention it, it was super brief, but I imagined being safe to be sexually vulnerable with him. I imagined him coming over and talking to me. I imagined he would gracefully take the initiative to lead a conversation.”

“Was it just friendly or did he desire you in that imaginary conversation?” 

“Well on the surface it was friendly but I don’t know - I didn’t imagine the actual words he said. The whole thought was only a few seconds long! I guess I just had a knowing that he was interested in me and it felt nice to be wanted. I felt a bit excited in anticipation of him making some sort of move to get closer to me.”

“So really, just slightly beneath your usual awareness, your mind conjured a story that he was coming over to you because he had sexual and/or romantic interest in you. That reflects your sexual interest in him, or your mind would not have created this story about him. So what about the other guy?”

Actually, come to think of it, I imagined he came over too but he remained a sort of faceless presence in the background. You know I wasn't even really aware of this whole thing until you asked me to focus on it, but I imagined enjoying feeling feminine and attractive again the way I did when I was younger - when I was the flower and man-bees hovered in abundance.” 

“Right. So your body felt a flash of desire in response to that moment. Can you see how you had the very baby beginnings of a sexual response in reaction to the story your mind made up using that split-second interaction as a canvas to project onto?"

Ruth nodded.

I continued, "So all this happened in response to a brief moment of eye contact? You had an imagined sense of safety and warm intimacy while feeling sexually enticing and young again. He made all the moves, so you did not have to fear rejection. You even had an imaginary seductive conversation - albeit without the necessity of actual words! All with a pair of complete strangers you know nothing about and had never spoken to.”

“Yes, I suppose I did!” 

“That my darling is a sexual fantasy. Anytime your mind conjures a story, or projects meaning onto a moment - and it awakens your sexual desire - that is your mind using fantasy to ignite your sexual spark. It can be a full-blown storyline, or just a remembered erotic feeling that you associate with that body type, or that cheeky wink. ” 

“Oh! That’s really helpful! Yes I suppose I did project my own story onto him as he passed by. I hadn’t thought of that as fantasy but I guess it is!”

Different Forms Sexual Fantasy can Take

Sexual fantasies can be micro-moment flashes in your mind's eye during your day, or something you think about during masturbation, or sex, that excites you. They can be really short like suddenly imagining the librarian naked, or they can be more complex storylines that create context that gives psychological and emotional permission for sexual play. 

Fantasies can be taboo in nature and be about things you do not actually want to do in real life, like fantasizing about being caught rummaging through your step mum’s knicker draw and having her respond by seeing this as an opportunity to blackmail you into performing certain embarrassing sex acts (which you secretly wanted to do and find very pleasurable). 

Fantasies can also be romantic, sensual, smutty, exciting, thrillingly risky, contain BDSM themes, or even worshipfully spiritual!

Fantasies can also come in the form of drawing on idealized memories of past peak experiences or imagining how this Friday’s date night might play out. They can even be momentary flashes of sex acts and particular body parts. But even these contain mini stories in them. If a thought ignites a spark of desire and/or arousal, then I include it in my definition of a sexual fantasy. 

Whether you prefer imagining the ideal CEO dominant alpha personality who cares only about you and bends all their power to overpower you into doing what you secretly wanted to do anyway -  or threesomes where you are the center of attention - or primal romance where are being ravished adoringly by someone who is madly in love with you - or being used and abused in all the right ways - whether intimate, dominant or submissive, all fantasies overcome our internal ego resistances to vulnerability.

More blogs into this here.

Artemisia de Vine works as a sexual fantasy coach and has proposed a new framework for understanding sexual fantasies.

She suggests all sexually aroused states of consciousness require varying degrees of ego-dissolution - and that sexual fantasies are stories that contain the exact psychological conditions each person's unique ego needs to hear in order to let go and surrender to the vulnerability of pleasure and/or connection.

She helps people understand the value and transformative potential of their sexual fantasies, and the art of bringing the essence symbolically contained within them, out of their heads and into their beds.