We love each other but the sex is bad | Help for couples
It's a more common dilemma than you might think. Seemingly impossibly mismatched turn-ons. Oh, they are madly in love. They fit. Domestic jig saw pieces that just work on a personality level but when it comes to sex it is a tug-of-war.
It doesn't have to be this way!
Content note: Mildly explicit description of sex acts and fetish and mention of genitals coming up.
She wants a man. Should I say MAYN. Grit in his teeth, sweat in his beard, take-charge-and-ravish-her, lumberjack sort of man.
She's read all the David Deida books and has spent hours in her castle top dreaming of her robust and ever-patient knight. She's practiced lowering the fear barriers around her heart and opening her vulnerability even when she's scared. She knows her tantric breathing, has a conscious relationship with her uterus, and can cosmic orbit herself into bliss. She longs to be in her "receptive feminine" and have a man hold space for her, take her, lead the dance so she can fly.
He doesn't get off that way.
He likes the feel of stockings during sex. He likes to wear them and have her wear them too. Slithering nylon limbs awaken the un-nameable potent places within him. He doesn't know why. It just does.
To get to the secret and true places within, he prefers to prance to sensual music in waist-high tights. He wants to fall to his knees and rub his face on her seamed thighs. He wants to breathe her in and worship her... have her ride his face till he is slick with her scent... He longs to slide his nylon-clad crotch all over her body and climax from the friction only shiny pin-up style nylons bring.
When allowed to express his true sexual self, he too, connects to the cosmic bliss behind the veil.
Break up? Reject each other's sexual wiring? Try and cajole or pressure the other person do it "my way"? Have an affair? What would you do?
The truth is, actually everyone's sexual wiring is unique no one is magically into exactly what you are.
Our heroine who yearned to be in her "receptive feminine" role has more social support for her erotic wiring because it fits, more-or-less into the dominant model of how genders "should" behave. Secretly she thought her way was more spiritual than his, and that he should learn to "be in his masculine". He should conform. She set about trying to change him by taking him to tantra classes.
That ended badly. Our hero, felt cut off from his source of eros and while he loved creating wonderful experiences that his lady-love enjoyed, he began to feel resentful. He had to hide who he was. This had an adverse effect on their ability to authentically connect, even though they both yearned to. It also meant he stopped having erections when he was with her.
He really wanted his partner to be into stockings, and honestly, she did try it a few times, but it was all for his sake. He felt himself holding back because it seemed fake. He became convinced that he could only truly share his love of stockings with someone else who was also into exactly what he was. He thought it would only be possible to be genuine if her erotic wiring was identical to his.
Let me repeat, no one's erotic wiring is the same as yours. No ones. Ever.
This is because our turn-ons are based on our unique personalities and our specific life experiences. Our turn-ons are the exact psychological mechanisms we need in order to overcome our personal resistance to letting go and surrendering to the vulnerability of pleasure.
If you rely on someone else being turned on by your exact turn-ons in order to feel safe, you will wander the earth only ever having rare moments of truly being able to express your sexual self. You'll stumble across instances when someone happened to be the right sort of canvas for you to project your fantasy onto, or they did a great job of reading you and catering to you, convincing you that your turn-on is also theirs too. But sooner or later that bubble bursts.
Luckily for our couple, with a some guidance, they were able to learn about the key psychological elements underneath the surface of their respective sexual preferences and learn how to delight in taking turns creating sexual experiences for each other. They discovered that the essence behind both the masculine lumberjack ravishing fantasy and the stockings fantasy could be expressed in far more ways than they initially thought. This opened them up to an endless array of possible ways to explore and play together that really satiated the yearning behind the fantasies.
Once they understood their own desire and uncovered what was really going on, they were able to move from performing each other's turn-ons out of obligation, and move into having truly connective pleasure together. They learned to respect each other's turn-on for the genius mechanisms they are.
How did they do it?
With help from erotic psyche and desire specialist, Artemisia de Vine they shifted misconceptions that were holding them back.
It took:
1. Willingness to let go of the fantasy that their imagined ideal lover actually existed.
Ouch! I know! But sadly, the person who just magically happens to want exactly what we want, and mind read how to do it perfectly, is a fantasy. Nevertheless, most of us cling to this false idea with a death grip, terrified that if face the fact it is an illusion, we will be lonely forever and never have our sexual needs met. Ironically, letting go of this treasured illusion is the only way to actually get what we yearn for most!
2. Willingness to be present with each other and themselves as they truly were.
Actually seeing each other is an act of love. Sharing your real self is deeply vulnerable but it is what we yearn for most. Underneath the theatrics of our favorite styles of sex, what we really want is to be seen, accepted, and celebrated as we are. We want to share our true selves with another and have them want us.
The sex styles are less important than the yearning behind them. Fulfill that, and you find something that satiates well beyond the surface.
3. Forming an aware and active relationship with their own desire and learning how to use it as a compass.
Each person's desire is personalized guide that helps them overcome their particular resistances to being vulnerable enough to connect and feel deep pleasure. This couple learned how to tune into, understand and follow what their desires were really pointing them towards.
4. Learning the map of their unique erotic wiring and sharing it with each other.
When we peel back the shiny exterior of sexual fantasies, bedroom styles and patterns of attraction, we find that they are in fact metaphorical stories designed to trigger the exact right psychological mechanisms we each need to enter into sexual arousal. And beyond! Into a myriad of wonderful, and profound erotic states of consciousness.
5. Learning how to deliberately take turns creating sexual experiences for each other that were based on the underlying psychological elements beneath the surface of their fantasies.
If you learn to recognize each other's psychological mechanisms, you can find endless ways to create sexual play experiences for each other, that hit all the right buttons. Some resemble the original fantasy and others look quite different, but they all tap into the key underlying elements that our sexual selves yearn for.
6. Excellent communication before, during and after sex.
There is an art to being honest about what does and doesn't work for you while also building up the self-esteem of your lover. The good news is, that this is a skill set that can be learned! Everyone gets to tell the truth and feel great.
7. A sense of playful discovery of each other.
Adopting an attitude that sex is a lens to explore yourself, each other, and what it means to be human, changes everything. This way of approaching sex opens up that playful sense of wonder and exploration again. Sex can be a form of self-discovery and a way to endlessly re-discover who your partner is. Instead of falling into a rut, it means you never run out of layers of each other to explore, play with, and share.
If this is something that interests you, find out more about the Navigating the Erotic Psyche mentoring program with Artemisia de Vine.
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