Painful Emotions can be Aphrodisiacs!

Mixing a little hell with your heaven leads to greater satisfaction in bed! 

If you ask most people if they are turned on by anger, shame, embarrassment, sadness or fear most will look at you like you are crazy! Other than a few people from the kink community, most people will answer,

"Of course not!"

They will tell you they want to feel closeness, euphoric excitement, primal freedom, or surrendered love and bliss. It's all about the pleasure right?

Challenging emotions are the opposite of pleasure, aren't they?

Here's a thing that my book writing coach told me. She said that in nonfiction books, it is really important to state clearly what you are going to cover in the first paragraph of the chapter, and bookend it by showing how you did exactly what you said you would in the conclusion.

“If you don’t, the readers will feel a low level anxiety the whole way through and often stop reading the book.

Of course, if you ask them if they felt a low level of anxiety while reading, they will deny it because they are completely oblivious they are feeling that way!

Nonetheless, that anxiety is humming away in the background, motivating their opinion of the book and eating away at their motivation to keep reading. Book reviews and sales prove it.”

People are often similarly unaware of the emotional cocktail that made their peak erotic encounter so damn sexy!

When I first ask my coaching clients about their hottest, most fulfilling past sexual encounters,  or favourite sexual fantasies, they tell me all about the great feelings!

How desired they felt!

How powerful or beautiful they got to feel!

Or how close they felt romantically…

And safe and special their partner made them feel.

They might tell me about completely surrendering to waves of utter bliss… so profound it felt spiritual.

But when we reverse engineer what allowed them to get into those feeling states, we find a story that included risks and challenges that had to be overcome - and accompanying challenging emotions!

Perhaps there were feelings of nervousness (fear), or uncertainty (self doubt). Feelings of shyness (embarrassment) or yearning for our absent unavailable lover (sadness).

In fact, if there are no uncomfortable emotions, and we only feel 100% safe from the get go, we don’t become sexually excited. We lose our desire for our sexual partner. They become our best friend rather than our lover.

(Another time, I’ll tell you about why tantric techniques or sensate-focused bliss states that are devoid of desire can actually cut you off from the fuller potential of your inner erotic wisdom.)

Does that mean I should date jerks to get access great sex?

Does this mean that I need to fall in love with people with unhealthy attachment styles to get my sexual excitement hit? Or do I need to keep escalating into riskier and riskier extremes of sex to become excited?

Hell no! You absolutely can have your healthy loving relationship and your sexual excitement too when you learn how to work out your pattern of emotional aphrodisiacs and create deliberate date nights to experiment with them!

In fact, you can become more and more satisfied with subtle but powerful sexual techniques.

HOW?!

Well, first things first, we need to stop looking at your patterns of turn ons through a therapy lens and start looking at them through the lens of a writer crafting a great story.

The Erotic through the Lens of Story-telling Techniques

When you watch a great film or read a scintillating story, you get transported somewhere. Even though, on a consciousness level, you feel as though you are just being entertained, a great story takes you on a journey along with the characters, and transforms you.

Great storytellers know this and craft the story to create that experience for you.

Unlike non-fiction books, fiction (fantasy) wants to evoke challenging emotions along with pleasurable ones. It is by moving through this series of feelings that makes the climax of a story so powerful! 

Put it this way, if the story begins with everything being happy and lovely, and then just continues being happy and lovely without any challenges to overcome, then there is no story.

When you are swept up in a great story, you feel a whole host of emotions! You feel embarrassed as the characters make a fool of themselves, you fall in love with the main character, you get goosebumps as a whole new insight into life lands, you feel furious at the injustice or powerlessness and triumphant when the power dynamic flips… And you get an emotional climax as all the story threads are woven together masterfully in the climax of the story. (There is a reason people refer to orgasms as climaxes).

When you leave the cinema and chat with your friends about the film highlights, you feel entirely different from how you did when you first entered the cinema.    

You’ve been transformed and transported and you actually enjoyed feeling tumultuous emotions along the way. In fact, without challenges to overcome, you would have complained that the movie was no good!

Great lovers understand emotional aphrodisiacs!

Elite practitioners of the erotic arts, like great storytellers, know that the right level of challenging emotions are needed for a satisfying climax - and to transport us into the more powerful and blissful erotic states of consciousness.

They know that taking your clothes off can activate self-doubt and embarrassment that becomes thrilling when you see your lover’s delighted response to your body.

They know that someone initially being reluctant to admit their desire, creates mystery and even fear that you may be rejected. Do they want you or don’t they? It can be utterly thrilling when they lose their own struggle to keep their dignity and become primal with desire for you. (In consensual ways of course!)

Great lovers know that taking the risk to tell your partner your sexual fantasy can feel super embarrassing but can lead to excitement and intimacy when your partner leans in with playful interest and acceptance.

Sex, after time apart, feels so much more alive because you’ve had time to really build your desire through longing, yearning and even frustration.

Angry sex can activate deep permission to be primal and uninhibited!

Surrendering can activate fear that your partner will not be trustworthy/skilled at holding your vulnerability safely. That heightened fear can be transformed into exquisite excitement if you build the right level of tension and know how to find the sweet spot of risk and safety.

But we don’t want to actually live the trauma of a movie to get our satisfying climax. Nor do we want to get stuck doing role play every single time we want to become sexually excited.

One of the things I teach my erotic mastery trainees is how to:

1. Identify what kinds, and levels, of emotional aphrodisiacs are needed for each person. Because what works for you, will be different than works for the next person.
2. How to deliberately create tailored erotic encounters that evoke a journey of emotional aphrodisiacs that transport you and your lover somewhere powerful.
3. How to create emotional alchemy by transforming challenging emotions into deeply pleasurable ones that lead to a satisfying climax (which may or may not be orgasm-centric). Hint: It’s the energy of transforming the emotions that makes it hot!

Want to learn The deVinery Method of understanding the erotic mind and crafting tailored erotic experiences based on each person’s unique sexual patterning?

You can apply for the next available traineeship spot by booking a complimentary discovery call on zoom and we can feel into it together.