Here's the magic "open sesame" trick I used to get BDSM submissives to tell me what really turned them on, even when they didn't know themselves, and actively resisted telling me.

A professional dominatrix came to me for coaching and complained that when she asked clients what they wanted, they nearly all said something along the lines of: 

"I just want what You want Mistress. That's the whole point. I want to submit to what You like. I am here to serve You. I want You to be in control, or it isn't real." 

"It's like pulling teeth!" she said with a look of frustration. "They just won't tell me. They think that if they do, they will be topping from the bottom and they won't go into subspace (blissful state of surrender). Yet of course, if I do what I actually want, they leave unsatisfied! I'm tearing my hair out." 

"Yep, that's right," I sympathised, "They really believe it is true too! But it isn't. They want us to magically want what they want us to want. If you don't act like they imagine a real Mistress wants to act, they believe that "you aren't a real Mistress", and are just "faking it for money".

And yet, no one's erotic wiring is the same! No ones. Ever. We all need different things! It is impossible to magically want what they need us to want, to trigger subspace for them. 

And they refuse to tell us. Talking would "kill the magic" and mean it was "too mechanical". 

When we wing it, it is hit and miss, meaning that some things feel good to them and others leave them cold. As a result, they rarely get to experience the full potential of their erotic wiring, and think it is because they haven't met the right Mistress. They wander the earth having fun play times but always have a nagging feeling that there is something more they could be accessing through submission. Frustratingly, they could touch the stars if they would just give us the information we need to craft an experience tailored to the unique patterns of their erotic psyche."

This double bind is so familiar to me, and let me tell you, it is one of the biggest sources of bed death for BDSMers and classic sex connoisseurs alike! 

Yes for non-paid Dominance/submission and sensual sex too! Versions of this issue weave their way through nearly every seedy hotel and monogamous marriage bed - so if kink isn't your thing, it is still worth reading this. 

This double-bind can come from either partner and can apply to any gender but let's continue with the story of the pro domme's clients... 

It is a double bind because it puts the Mistress in a position where she is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. 

He gets his sense of safety to let go of his ego resistance, and be vulnerable enough to enter into his authentic sexual expression, from the wrong place. He gets his safety from needing her to want what he wants her to want. If she isn't into it too, then he can't let go. Feels too unsafe. The horny or subby feeling shuts down and he can't "feel it" any more. 

To make it worse, he genuinely believes that what he wants is just to submit to whatever she wants.

This isn't true. That's not how subspace works. His ego needs very specific things to let go into a state of surrender, and those things aren't the same as the other three clients the pro domme had that day.

I don't just mean that they all wanted different activities. It's deeper than that. Three subs can all ask to be tied up and have pegging, but they will all have different psychological needs for that activity to get them where they truly yearn to go.

Yet all of them said they just wanted to do whatever Mistress wanted. 

The sub has put his Mistress in a position that cuts her power off at the knees and forces her to fake it. The very thing he didn't want!

She can't ever tell him that her desires are different to his or he will think they are incompatible and not book. Or when the same thing happens in non-paid sex, leave her. 

The good news is, there is a way around this! There is a way where everyone can be real and have their needs met. This issue is one of the central things I address in my upcoming book on The Value of Sexual Fantasies because, you guessed it, understanding how sexual fantasies work really shifts where you get your sense of safety from.

But that takes a whole book to tell you the full story. Or you could learn through some private coaching. In the meantime, here is something you can use now. 

So what did I tell this pro domme?

Here's the magical open sesame line I used in professional BDSM settings. 

"Tell me about your favourite sexual fantasies or a peak real-life experience you had with another Mistress. I am not going to try and be her. I am going to be me. However, I will be noticing all sorts of things about how you are uniquely wired that you don't realise you are giving away - and I will use that information to get the effect from you that I want." 

It's a clever way of saying "What makes us happy is if you tell us about your inner world! Then we can play with it!"

Boom! Like magic, this line appeased their unconscious fears and it all came pouring out!

It really was a game-changer when I finally came up with the idea of saying that line back when I was a pro dominatrix, and I'm loving hearing how effective it is for other pro and lifestyle dommes too. 

Now that you have elicited a whole lot of information that wasn't previously forthcoming, what should you do with it? 

How to recognise and use the key psychological triggers in their fantasies?

Now that the clients were talking, the next thing I coached my pro domme coaching client on was how to recognise the key elements in the fantasies, and peak experiences, and use them to craft powerful experiences. I showed her how to choose the right activities, and ways of engaging, to activate their positive trigger points and transport them deep into subspace - or some other equally valuable erotic state of consciousness. 

I taught her to recognise nuances about: 

• The power dynamic
• The body language and attitude
• The themes woven through their inner stories.
• The poisons (obstacles to letting go) and their antidotes (symbolic erotic solutions) 
• The emotional aphrodisiac journey
• Erotic paradox points that could be used to increase the sexual tension and flick them into an erotic altered state. 
  
  And more... 

Do you know what else is super cool about this approach? When I used it, back when I was a pro domme, I no longer had to fake that their turn-ons were my turn-ons. I could be honest that I was playing a game and thoroughly enjoying the challenge of working them out and getting them to react. 

Their nervous system could feel my nervous system let go into the flow of play state. Play state naturally produces a feeling of pleasure and delight. 

Their nervous system then co-regulated. That is, it followed mine down the rabbit hole, and we genuinely synched. We were now deeply in this game together. 

This is the real they were yearning to feel! 

Even better, I no longer felt resentful at being made powerless and invisible by their demands to magically like whatever they wanted me to like, or stumble blind trying to mind read.

I could now act from my own power and impulses without faking anything. I could PLAAAAAAAY! Taking on whatever role or activity that would get the result I wanted. The thrill came from hunting down their resistance to submission and conquering it. I felt like a psychological panther on the prowl.

The key thing to notice is that this shifted where they got their sense of safety from.

They could now get a real felt sense of a new source of safety.

It shifted from them needing to believe that:  I magically want exact the same things you want me to want.

To feeling my embodied reality : I want to be here doing this with you and I am having a bunch of fun doing it.

It's amazing how play state makes that true, even with a complete stranger whose personality didn't really click with mine. Once we are in the game, we've shifted states of consciousness and that is real. 

Want to know how this could work in your situation? Be it kinky or classic sex? Paid or private sex? There are versions of this that work for all situations. Let's have a free 15 min zoom chat and work out a coaching package that suits your goals. 

Here's a quick check to see where you get your sense of safety from.

Imagine one of your favourite sexual or kinky activities. Now imagine finding out your lover or play partner isn't excited by it. Just kinda neutral, but happy to do it for you. How do you feel? Do you still feel safe to express your pleasure in this activity with them? Why or why not? 

If you lose your turn-on at the thought, you may be getting your sense of safety from a place that puts your lovers in a double bind, and blocks you from getting the very thing you want. 

Want help with this? Come talk to me in a free zoom discovery call. You can explore the full sexual fantasy coaching program or we can design a coaching package suited to your needs and goals. 

Do you think everyone should know this stuff? Share this blog far and wide and save the world from one of the most common sexual frustrations.