Freud and Feminists are both wrong about the Clit

Why understanding our fantasies matters when reclaiming our bodies - and why I am convinced internal vaginal orgasms are better than external clit ones, but not for the reason Freud thought. 

I have hundreds of sex toys, as part of a legacy of a lifetime of sexploration, yet there is only one that I pack to take with me when I travel. It doesn't even require charging or batteries. 

(I am not affiliated with this toy nor get any kickbacks for promoting it). 

The Mango Juicer

Some years ago, I discovered that I was capable of orgasms that didn't require me to stimulate the external part of the clitoris at all. These internal orgasms were infinitely more satisfying than external ones, and I haven't looked back. I discovered that the so-called g-spot was just the beginning, too. There was more pleasure than that. Orgasms deeper in, that rumbled up from the core of me.

This is not a vindication of Freud. He was on his own trip about what that means. Nonetheless, the well-meaning feminist movement that keeps telling people-with-vulvas, that most of us need external clitoral stimulation to orgasm, are wrong. Straight up wrong.

For years I thought they were right, so I never went searching for other ways of climaxing. I thought that I had to rub my clit during penetrative sex to have an orgasm, so I spent years doing that. I discovered by accident (when I was stoned) that external clit stimulation was literally and metaphorically the tip of the iceberg of what my body was capable of.

It blew me away! Decades of being a sex geek, and I still hadn't known this was possible!

Marijuana had made changes in my physicality and my consciousness that made this experience possible, but smoking was a rare thing for me, so I didn't want to rely on being stoned to feel these sorts of orgasms again. 

To my delight, once Marijuanna had shown me the way, I was now capable of accessing these kinds of orgasms without any consciousness-changing plant medicines. But it did take a bit of figuring out and changing my ideas and approach to penetrative sex.

I now know that the reason I couldn't find these internal orgasms before was both because ideas of what women's sexuality was like had given me the wrong mindset, and because heterosexual penetrative sex is usually based on the kinds of in and out motions that feel best for a penis. When I switched and took control, riding on top, I no longer tried to mimic the in and out motion but started grinding and rocking, and baring down. That worked a treat.

I experienced quite a lot of resistance from male lovers who didn't want me to do that. They wanted to start thrusting again and felt threatened by me doing what worked best for me. They wanted me to feel fulfilled doing what worked best for them. 

"What are you doing?" my ex asked me with visible irritation, trying to flip me over so he could thrust again.

But I persisted. I knew my body was telling me something, and if I followed the clues...

This led to me being able to have multiple exquisite deep rumbling earthquake orgasms that felt indescribably emotional and blissful. So much more satisfying than the surface-level orgasms I had in the past!

So now, when I look for a sex toy, I look for one that can best support me and my body wisdom. I don't look for vibration. I look for a good angle.

The mango juicer is the ideal angle to stimulate all the right parts simultaneously. It was designed for women who had been through female genital mutilation and had their external clitoral nubs removed. These women often used the mango juicer to discover they too, were capable of so much pleasure, despite what they had been through.

It was called the mango juicer so that it could get through customs without being stopped, and so their male partners would not find out what it was. This was in case there was a danger of domestic violence.

The mango juicer is no longer being made under that name but Laura-Doe Harris has started making them (under a slightly different name). The G spot juicer. 

I suggest being relaxed and curious for anyone wanting to try this toy. Use massaging motions like working a knot out of a muscle first. Give your internal vagina a thorough massage this way. See what you notice. It takes a mindset shift as well as a change in physical stimulation. Once you get it, you get it. And you've got it for life.

Where do fantasies come in? 

Men aren't the only ones who feel threatened and resist this change in approach to sex. Folk with vulvas resist too. Especially women who have sexual fantasies of being in the so-called "feminine" role of being the attractive flower who magnetically draws to her the active bee. 

If your pattern of turn-ons keeps you in the passive role while someone else "does to you", then it can feel counterintuitive to take the active role and take what you want in sex. It can feel like getting on top and doing it the way you like it, is only going to provide a physical turn-on but ruin the mental and emotional turn-on. 

Many sex educators teach that you should learn to actively "take" during sex and that it is your feminist duty to learn to be turned on by that, and have it be enough. This is only partially true. As usual, I rock the boat and think differently. Why not have our cake and eat it too? 

I think it is absolutely possible to still get all the psychological and emotional conditions you want from being passive, while also being active and taking what you want physically. To do so, you need to stop trying to live out your fantasy of the ideal sex as you see it in your mind's eye and start getting curious about what that image of ideal sex represents to you. 

Here's a thing that most people don't realise.

Your idea of ideal sex looks like, is a fantasy. 

Like all fantasies, it should not be taken literally, but it does contain something powerfully real. 

The key is to see your fantasy of the ideal sex as a symbolic story and get curious about what that story allows you to feel. How does it bring the right level of risk and safety? What emotions does it evoke? What change in consciousness does it achieve for you? 

Those things are all real. 

Once you understand that, you can achieve the same things while also taking into account the reality of your physical situation, boundaries and real-life relationships. 

Basically, The de Vinery Method of understanding and playing with your sexual fantasies, allows you to have your cake and eat it too. But the first step is recognising that what you thought was literally going to provide sexual and relational satisfaction, was just a story map, that needs symbolically de-coding.  

If you know how to do that, you can get all the safety, excitement and delicious sexual arousal of your fantasies while also doing activities that maximise your physical pleasure. 

Want to learn how?

I have one position coming up for someone who wants to take a deep dive and learn the whole deVinery Method. If that is too big of a mouthful for you at this stage, you can attend the monthly seminars where I discuss a different aspect of The deVinery Method in detail. 

Remember to subscribe to my newsletter or you won't find out about upcoming seminars! See below. 

Warmly, 

Artemisia de Vine
artemisiadevine.com