I learned early on that there is an art to bringing your sexual fantasies out of your head and into your bed. It is not just a matter of living out your fantasies exactly as they are in your mind’s eye. You do not have to look like their celebrity crush, have a big dick, or actually be cruel. It is about noticing how your clever sexual fantasies made it safe for you to let your guard down and surrender into the vulnerability of pleasure and intimacy.

The part of your fantasy that is most important to bring to life, is the symbolic mechanism that made it safe to open, while including enough risk to make it exciting.

To find the right sweet spot of risk and safety for each person, you need to trust their sexual fantasies! The deVinery Method teaches you the art of de-coding sexual fantasies and bringing the right parts to life in the most powerful ways.

You may find it surprising that, when bringing a sexual fantasy to life, the actual sexual activity you fantasied about, and the appearance of your ideal fantasy lover, is way less important than you’d think!

That’s right, you don’t have to look like their celebrity crush, or have a literal threesome to activate those super exciting feelings! In fact, you don’t even have to have a dildo anywhere near as big as they fantasised about.

Yes folks, that means you don’t have to have a porn-star sized cock even if your lover fantasises about being a size queen!

What you do need, is to understand what they are trying to feel and how their fantasies allow them to feel it. Then you can create the same effect in ways that truly satisfy.

The first step I teach my advanced students of the erotic arts, is how to take on the right body language and attitude to trigger sexual arousal and other delicious erotic states of consciousness. This plays a much larger role in creating the right risk-safety sweet spot than you might think!

So how is it done?

In my former role as a sex worker and professional dominatrix, I was paid to bring the sexual fantasies of thousands of clients to life.

One of the sessions I used to advertise was a pegging service. That is, sessions where I used a strap-on dildo on a client for anal play.

I used to advertise using a variety of images with different body language and attitudes, and only when I got the body language right for that particular client, would they book a session! If they didn’t see it like they wanted it, they simply wouldn’t book. In fact, they didn’t feel safe or excited enough to book. The thing is, they each wanted different things from me! 

To try and get around this, I’d have different adverts that showed me in different modes. Some more impassive and stern, and others sadistic and lustful, warm and playful, hard or feminine etc. In one of those adverts I created a feminine set of images where I wielded a large pegging dildo and I’d challenge, 

“Can you take Big Blue?”

This set of images communicated that I could take the role of being powerful and lead them, while not being a threat to them. For a particular subset of clients, this was the right level of risk and safety. When a kitten hisses at you, you are more likely to think it cute, than feel afraid. A lion on the other hand… too much risk for that particular slice of the client population!

(Please remember I am well and truly retired from sex work and I no longer look like this! Please do not hit me up for play sessions!)

For some anal play aficionados, Big Blue was not that big. They were used to taking a fist or two! However for most clients, Big Blue was an intimidating size their bodies were not prepared to handle, but they fantasised about being able to take it. Big Blue was a powerful symbol for them.

When they arrived, I would sit them down on my red velvet couch and ask them all about their pegging sexual fantasies, taking particular notice of the body language and attitude with which their ideal pegging scenario was delivered.

“Mistress I want you to take the lead lovingly and intimately, slowly coaxing me to take more and more for you.”

“Mistress I just want you to bend me over and give it to me until I beg for you to stop!”

“Mistress, I just want to be turned into a little slut and used mercilessly for your pleasure.”

 “Mistress I fantasise about “Aunty” introducing me to anal pleasure for my own good. She says that boys are less evolved than girls so she is going to turn me into girl.”

 “Mistress, I fantasise about being tied up and pimped out in a glory hole for random men to use. I want to be “forced” to be bisexual!”

“Mistress I want to have my cock locked in a cage and to be trained to take your strap-on as my only form of release.”

I’d ask a series of questions that would reveal all sorts of things about their unique erotic wiring that they were not aware they were giving away. I’d then use those things to get the reactions from them that I wanted!

The first step is finding out what they are trying to feel.

Most people don’t know how to answer if you ask them outright how they want to feel. They think the answer instead of feel it and get tongue-tied. 

So instead, I’d ask them why they wanted to be able to take big blue, and got a variety of answers that revealed the feeling state big blue symbolised for them.

“To be so filled up would just overwhelm me! I’d feel so owned by you!”

“To be forced to take Big Blue would just crack me open and I’d have no choice but to let go.”

“It would make me feel so helpless and small while you had all the power.”

“It would mean I was a good little slut who could please you by doing whatever you wanted.”

“It would mean I get to feel what it is like to be a girl. I get to feel your lust for me and feel sexy instead of having to chase someone else for sex all the time. I get to feel desired.”

“I get to feel really close to you while you are inside me!”

The second level of that skill is noticing the body language that triggered those feelings for them.

To find out, I’d ask “When your ideal fantasy Mistress is using you mercilessly for her own pleasure, what is her body language and attitude towards you?” 

•  Is she mocking and teasing you while laughing like a school girl bully?
•  Is she cold and unreadable, looking at you with mild disdain and ignoring your begging?
•  Is she warm and nurturing but persists, like a nurse comforting you while doing something painful for your own good?”
•  Is she loving and sensual with a playful delight in the novelty of wearing a dildo?

Suggesting a variety of contrasting body language and attitudes helps clients become aware of what they do and don’t want.

Before they have something to compare to, they often do not know how to answer that question because what they want, is “just how it is” for them. They are like fish unaware they are swimming in water until they jump above the surface and experience what the sky is like.

However, when I give them three or four contrasting options, I know at least one will be wildly wrong! This jolts them into becoming aware of what they want and helps them find the words to describe it.

“No! No! She doesn’t humiliate or tease me! It’s more like she is cruel and doesn’t care what I think at all. She is just enjoying using my body and ignores all my begging. She gets off on forcing me to take more than I can handle.”

Now I know what the fantasy is, I can carefully create a consent container that allows them to truly believe I am in complete control while also keeping them safe. That is a skill for another blog! Make sure hit the subscribe button at the top right of menu bar signed up to my newsletter if you want to keep receiving these tips!

Bringing the fantasy to life!

Now I know what my client is trying to feel, and what body language and attitude triggers those feelings in them, I can create a real-life experience.

Keep in mind that at this stage he still truly believes that it is necessary I literally peg him with big blue to feel satisfied! However, the actual act of using Big Blue on him is not necessary!

What his fantasy is really doing is creating deep permission for him to feel the feelings he wants to feel while believing that I am not doing it out of obligation or just to please him. His sexual fantasy scenario convinces him that I am pegging him to please myself. In other words, it convinces him I want to be there doing this with him so he can let go and focus on his own pleasure - and so he can surrender to the vulnerability of intimacy and ecstasy.

Let’s use an example where the client wanted to feel overwhelmed and cracked open while I was callously using him for my own pleasure.

If I literally didn’t care about him and just pounded him, he would not achieve the feeling he really wanted.

Not only could that mean he would leave disappointed, but his body may be harmed. Bottoms need gentle warm-ups and stretching. For anal play to feel good, he would need me to give him considerate, skilled touch! 

The trick is then, to take on the body language and attitude, and even dirty talk, as though I am roughly using him for my own pleasure, while skilfully gently warming him up and stretching his hole for his pleasure.

I need to use the kind of touch that feels like I am confidently claiming his body for my own selfish ends, but really be very aware of his comfort levels. The fantasy is that I am using him without consideration but the reality is I am carefully holding his vulnerability safe and creating a loving experience just for him so he can explore his own erotic psyche through play.

What that looks like in reality

 Often I would end up wearing Big Blue, taking on the attitude and body language of someone who was using them mercilessly, but gently penetrating them with only a finger or two, or a much smaller dildo.

It is quite amazing how full a finger or two can make you feel if you know how to rub all the right sensory spots in an anus! (This works on vaginas too!) It’s about stimulating them while using the right angles and pressure. This creates the feeling as though they were full and stretched without actually using Big Blue at all.

The client would leave thoroughly satisfied because I had brought to life the psychological mechanisms within the fantasy and matched the physical pleasure they were yearning to feel, rather than trying to live out exactly what they fantasised about.

Put it this way, if you are physically, emotionally and psychologically feeling what you wanted to feel, you are no longer going to care if Big Blue is actually inside you or not are you? You are no longer focused on the things you thought would create those feelings and simply surrender to the feelings themselves. 

Shazam! That's how it's done folks!

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